10 Downing Street offices
David Cameron: So why can’t we just form a coalition with the Labour Party?
Anonymous Special Advisor: Because it would be electoral suicide sir.
DC: I mean, they’re the best match for us in terms of policies, party structure, leadership style – I based my whole persona on Tony Blair after all. They agree with us on austerity, Trident renewal, supporting the Financial Sector, propping up house prices, clamping down on benefits claimants. And the numbers work out brilliantly – we’d have such a huge majority that the fruitcakes and loonies on the backbenches could vote against absolutely everything and it wouldn’t matter a bit.
ASA: While that may be true, sir, we’d be facing complete party wipe out 5 years down the line.
DC: Well I don’t see why. We’d have the most stable and moderate government in decades.
ASA: The fact of the matter is sir, that we rely on the votes of a number of demographics – retirees, middle class home-owners, wealthy landowners, small business owners and their employees and the like.
DC: The foundations of the Conservative party electoral success – yes.
ASA: The fact is, that a slim majority within each of these groups don’t actually like us very much, Prime Minister. They don’t agree with most of our policies and believe that we no longer represent their interests. They think we’ve sold out to wealthy party donors in the City, an out of touch financial elite and the interests of global corporations.
DC: So they’re not idiots. But I still don’t see the problem.
ASA: With respect sir, the only reason that half of these people still vote for us is that while they don’t think we’ll represent their interests in government, they fear how they will fare under a Labour government even more. If we put a Labour government in power, they’ve no incentive whatsoever to vote for us ever again. They’ll vote for anyone who might get rid of us. We would stand to lose at least 30% of our voters across the board and be lucky to get 100 MPs in 2020. Not to mention how much of the back-bench we’d lose to UKIP in the meantime.
DC: Alright, I take your point. Which small parties can we most effectively bully and bamboozle into propping us up?
Meanwhile, in the office of the Leader of the Opposition, Westminster.
Ed Miliband: So tell me again why we can’t form a coalition with the Tories?